Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Scheduling America's Appointments

Ladies and Gents,

Years ago, the Secret Service referred to Bill Clinton at the POTUS, or President Of The United States. I was out on the town with some relatives, one of whom, at the time, worked in the White House. We were eating dinner when we became aware of a gregarious table to the side, dominated by a cigar-chomping, cowboy-hat-wearing, Texas-sounding woman. Hallos and salutations were then exchanged between our table and theirs, as my relative explained to me that this was the ROTUS, the Receptionist Of The United States. She would, in effect, perform receptionist duties like schedule America's appointments, file America's documents, and take down America's dictations, and when she answered the phone, she would say: "United States of America -- May I help you?"

We don't yet have a Receptionist Of Drink & Walk (RODAW) or a PODAW (President Of Drink & Walk) but if you need to reach Drink & Walk, you can always call me, on the cell. Email me, privately, if you would, (don't be shy), and I will gladly give you the number, if you don't have it already. When you call, I will say, "Drink & Walk -- May I help you?" And you may then state your bidness. This Thursday, among other things, we will be discussing Harper Lee's literary masterpiece, Tequila Mockingbird, from 6:00 until 9:30 at Angles, at which point, those in attendance will, collectively, decide on a second venue. Want to join us after hours? Ring me on the Drink & Walk Emergency Hotline for breaking news and information, thank yaw.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

this mongoose-eat-cobra world

Ladies and Gents,
As if it weren't enough for corporations and government to decide which soda flavors, for example, we want to drink, music we want to hear, wars we want to start, and so forth, we, additionally, as you know, need to suffer through the concept of "naming rights." It is the Verizon Center where The Whiz, I mean, Wiz play. Or The State of Washington, brought to you by Boeing. Or The Minimum Wage, brought to you by Wal-Mart. Rabbis in Israel are debating whether or not the name of the Israeli state-run airline, El Al, should appear on the Ten Commandments ("Thou shalt not bring strange aircraft before the Lord thy God or I shall smite thy deluxe falafel platter!") and authorities around the world are wondering whether the Pythagorean Theorem should be brought to us by Westinghouse; or whether manic depression should be sponsored by Glaxo Smithkline; or whether Bad Hair Days should be sponsored by Suave. Indeed, shouldn't Global Warming be brought to us, courtesy of GM, or the Tennessee Valley Authority? I mean, pin the label on the donkey's arse, damn it.

We haven't sold out at Drink & Walk, which is brought to you by Dan Gutstein, Rod Smith, and Star Emeritus Mel (Melissa) Nichols. We are not corporations, but two men and one woman who know the value of an empty barstool, a drink in the hand, and our friends beside us, for hearty conversation. Should you want to write "Dan Gutstein," nevertheless, on your T-shirt, or "Beer," in thick, black ink, on your forehead, or decide that your System Of Likes And Dislikes should be brought to us by The Bio-Rhythm Machine On The New Jersey Turnpike, we will applaud your individuality in this mongoose-eat-cobra world we live in. You will always be welcome at Drink & Walk, which resumes this Thursday at 6:00.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Raunchy Launchy

Ladies and Gents,

A recent poll shows that nearly 100 million Americans will use the phrase "Make love" in a number of connections, this VD, er, Valentine's Day. For example: "No, I don't know where the mongoose is, exactly, in the house, just this minute, but quick, make love to me, before he comes outta hiding!;" or "Once you get back with my Value Meals, and after I eat them, baby, and after I watch Astronauts Gone Wild 3: Raunchy Launchy, yep, I'll make love to you -- sweet sweet love, beneath the oleander!;" or "You have re-eroticized my radical politics and my nipples and my abstract expressionism and my intertextual conflation and my need for electric shock, so do me, I mean make love to me, you silly little freak!" It ain't no pretty picture, folks, and yet, at the same time, it is America what's out there.

At Drink & Walk, we come from the old school of the old country, and we mean it when we say "I love you," and we do, love you. There's only one thing, on earth, that loves you more than we do, and that thing, folks, is: The Bottle. Alcohol always loves you, and what better way to celebrate Valentine's Day than to join me, Rod Smith, and Star Emeritus Mel (Melissa) Nichols as we bend another elbow in celebration of love and debauchery. If you must "Make love" before, during, and/or after Drink & Walk, we want you to know that we understand, and we support what must be a very personal decision for you.

Remember that this is a "full" Drink & Walk -- from Angles (6:00 to 7:45) we will go to the Black Cat (8:00 to 10:00).

Monday, February 05, 2007

Just Like Einstein Predicted

Ladies and Gents,

As some of you know, it is not Monday, right now, but Thursday, according to Einstein's Theory Of Three Days Later Than It Really Seems To Be. And if this were next week, it would not be Monday right now, but Thursday. And you would not have an empty hand, but a beer, a martini, or a tequila in it, and it would be Thursday evening, Drink & Walk, just like Einstein predicted.

In fact, folks, when you join me, Rod Smith, and Star Emeritus Mel (Melissa) Nichols for the 2007 grand-reopening of Drink & Walk, on February 15th, you could also participate in a Drink & Walk initiative to prove or disprove another of Einstein's theories: If you sip your drink just so, and sit on your stool just so, and talk to your friends just so, well, then, it could Always Be Drink & Walk For You, No Matter Where You Are, No Matter Who You Think Yourself To Be.

As I will be announcing frequently over the next several weeks and months -- my tenure in the DC area seems to be coming to an end, especially seeing how GW is unwilling to renew my contract and that there may be some other schools out there in the world willing to offer me a contract. The point being -- please make plans to party with me while you still can. I will be stepping up my partying activities considerably in response to this rapidly unfolding situation.

We look forward to seeing you soon -- and Rod, Mel, and I want you know that we all love you Maaaaaadly.

Dan Gutstein