Sunday, August 06, 2006

Severe B.O. Warning Lifted

The temperatures have dropped, and the National Weather Service has lifted its Severe B.O. Warning for the D.C. Metro area. Don't get me wrong -- there is still some heinous B.O. out there, just not at severe levels, according to the Office of Homeland Security, a federal agency that monitors the spread of B.O. throughout America. It was thought, at the height of the heat wave last week, that terrorists might attempt to destroy the Strategic Deodorant Reserve, so, heavily-strapped guards in three piece suits and mirror sunglasses were assigned to Old Spice factories throughout the world. The crisis has passed, fortunately, and the government, instead, has lowered the threat level to P.U. / 3, down from P.U. / 4. Still, Americans are urged to report suspicious B.O. to the authorities. If in doubt, once again, dial 911 and say "B.O."

After you do that, join us for a Drink -- but no Walk -- this Wednesday, at Angles. Among other things, we will be discussing the re-launching of Drink & Walk: The Second Season, the new Fettoosha Rocket (a missile that shoots Fettoosh salad at a range of 21 km), and the latest government scandal, in which the government is now denying that the earth is gradually turning into a giant shrubbery, the shape and texture of a burrito. We will be at Angles from 6 to 9. Please join us for all festivities.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Severe B.O. Alert for the Greater Washington Metropolitan Area

Ladies and Gents,

The National Weather Service has issued a Severe B.O. Alert for the Greater Washington Metropolitan Area through Thursday night. This will affect pedestrians the most, especially when they encounter feral street kids or feral street adults. Severe B.O. can cause temporary blindness, switches in political sympathy(ies), and the sensation that one is putting on a costume--mask, flippers, trident, thunderbolt--for unknown reasons. Most people should avoid B.O. when they see it coming. However, if you have a relative or good friend who is not responding to shock treatment, bamboo slivers under the fingernails, or the dreaded water torture, you are, under these circumstances, encouraged to seek out B.O., in order to win back your loved one's attentions and affections. However, do this only in the presence of a trained B.O. professional: aka a barback, a community service aide, or a squeegee man. Do not try this at home by yourself. In the event of severe B.O. exposure, dial 911 immediately and say "B.O."

Due to the increased levels of B.O., we will be holding neither a Drink nor a Drink & Walk this Weds./Thurs. Perhaps if B.O. levels were to drop next week, we'll be back at it.

In the meantime, visit our blog for an update on EVERYWHERE MAN: Hint: He is one of the two blurry figures. True connoisseurs will know who is EVERYWHERE MAN and who is merely a man.