Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Fake Attack!


Ladies and Gents,

I was at the dentist the other day, complaining about pain in my jaw. The dental hygienist asked me, "When do you feel this pain? And I said, "Well, of course, I feel it when I give The Fake Attack." She made a face. "What's The Fake Attack?" she asked. And so I did it -- opened my mouth wide and spread my arms out to my side, like a bird's wings. This startled her, and she blew air, from that little air blower, up her nose. "How frequently do you find yourself giving The Fake Attack?" she said. "I mean," she continued, "we call 'The Fake Attack' a 'regular checkup,' but that's us." And then I realized that Dentists and hygienists are not merely dentists and hygienists -- they deal with The Fake Attack all day long: patients, in chairs, going "Nnnnnnnn," with their mouths open in The Fake Attack. So, I would encourage you, my fellow Drinkers & Walkers, to get regular dental checkups, so that you can fine tune your own Fake Attack, and have it ready for general Fake Attack needs.

There will be many Fake Attacks this Thursday. Please join me, Rod Smith, Steph Monte, and Mel (Melissa) Nichols for the Drink & Walk Grand Re-Opening this Thursday evening, October 12th, starting at 6:00, when there will also be an unofficial celebration of my birthday, which happens to fall upon this week's Drink & Walk. I will be either drinking 38 shots or giving 38 Fake Attacks. Come on out and wish me a happy birthday. Among other things, we will be leading Drinkers & Walkers in Fake Attack home care: How to floss, brush, and brighten your own Fake Attack, for a lifetime of healthy Fake Attacks.

6 Comments:

Blogger marwal said...

Word on the street is, long hours of making The Fake Attack will lead to "making your face grow that way."

8:36 AM

 
Blogger Blood And said...

That's not me. I think that's Andy Cole. Is that me? It could be me. But that's a wig, right. Tell, please tell me that's a wig.

BA

1:27 PM

 
Blogger marwal said...

Word on the street is that it's a red wig, from your Fake Attack fanboy days. You are now a genuine Fake Attack artist, I hear, and don't need to resort to such transparent attempts to be "different."

3:35 PM

 
Blogger Blood And said...

Word on the street is -- Do I hear a book title?

What about Word on the street is there's a party in my body.

My haircut is neither political nor apolitical. I don't know who I am anymore. All I have is my fake attack.

BA

7:04 AM

 
Blogger L.A. Howe said...

i am pleased to have discovered this new form of artistry, and that you are its consummate practitioner. heard about msr. pierre making best american poetry--congrats. hope to see you in philly in dec. and to hear a new sh-t story! :-) i live for those, man.

12:38 PM

 
Blogger Kris said...

Gorrrrrgeous. Sorry I missed the party. A room full of fake attacks would undoubtedly have been a good time.

6:18 PM

 

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